


Burden

by dani_dabbles



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Hatred, magic-less magnus, not beta read as ususal, tormented alec lightwood, who can tag? not me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23088694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dani_dabbles/pseuds/dani_dabbles
Summary: Alec's incompetence has caused his loved ones so much pain. It was only a matter of time before one of them realized it.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 44
Kudos: 106





	Burden

“For the love of Edom, Alec, can you please stop whining for five minutes?!” his boyfriend snaps.

Alec shuts his mouth with an audible click, teeth jarring. He blinks a few times stunned before he hesitantly says, “I- I’m sorry. I didn’t realize- I, uh, just needed to vent, I guess...” he lets his voice trail off. He watches Magnus standing next to him, shoulders tense, staring out across the city. His features are sharp and highlighted in the glow of the lights coming from inside the loft. On the other side of the glass doors, their friends are eating, laughing, exchanging stories. Everyone looking for a little contentment in the hell that has become their lives lately. The party had been Magnus’ idea and Alec had encouraged it enthusiastically. Magnus needed the distraction especially.

But an hour into it, Alec had gone in search of his boyfriend after he noticed the man’s long absence from the group. He had stepped out onto the balcony, letting the doors click quietly behind him and quickly found Magnus leaning against the balustrade, drink in hand. Magnus had been quiet when he’d approached so Alec lamented his need for a strong drink as well. To fill the silence, he had aired his frustrations with the orientation of the recruits being sent in to deal with the growing threat of Jonathan Morganstern. He didn’t realize he’d been rambling - no _whining_ \- until Magnus’ outburst. 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to burden you with my problems. It’s just been a shitty few days...” he lets his voice trail off meekly, trailing down Magnus’ rigid stance and dropping to the ground.

Magnus snorts in a sound that is both dismissive and disgusted.

Alec’s brows pinch with worry, feeling like he’s missing something. “Are you okay?” 

Magnus stoically stares straight ahead, ignoring Alec. So, Alec ducks to try and catch his boyfriend’s eyes, “Magnus?” 

Magnus slams the glass down so hard Alec is surprised it doesn’t shatter and whirls to face him, “Oh yes. I’m _perfect,_ Alexander. It was a wonderful day. It took me over an hour this morning to do my hair and makeup. Not to mention I dropped my mascara and stained my $500 silk shirt. So that's ruined. Because guess what? I can’t magic it away anymore!” Magnus gestures wildly. “Then I spent all morning calling my client list to refer them to other warlocks for their continued needs. I quite enjoyed explaining over and over and over again about _why_ I could no longer help them. For Edom’s sake, if I have to hear one more pitiful ‘ _I’m so sorry Magnus_ ’ or _‘For a Shadowhunter, Magnus?’_ I’m going to launch myself off of this balcony. And then I tried to cook dinner for everyone and that was a complete and utter failure. Cat had to come to the rescue, since I can’t even conjure a fucking glass of water anymore. But hey, what does any of that matter anyway? We get to grow old together now, so naturally, everything is _just perfect_ , Alexander. ”

Alec watches the beautiful man before him unravel. The meticulously crafted seams rip and shred and everything inside him bursts out. He watches the chocolate brown eyes flash with disgust, anger, hatred, feeling each emotion like a barb in his skin; holding him in place to witness the destruction of his making. 

Alec holds his hands up placating, “Magnus...I- I know this is an adjustment. I know this is probably the most traumatic thing you’ve ever experienced. But I am looking, okay? I’m looking for a solution. So is Cat, and Tessa, and everyone that loves you. We are going to fix this. I promise. Please, Magnus. You have to know I don’t want this for you. I don’t. Please. You have to believe that.” He pauses to take a calming breath. “Let’s go inside. I’ll suggest everyone head home. And then we can talk, just me and you. Okay?”

Alec reaches to place his hand on Magnus’ arm. But his fingertips only meet air as Magnus takes a step back.

“I have a right to be angry, Alexander,” Magnus says, jaw tight, words coming through clenched teeth.

Alec refuses to let Magnus close himself off. He’s determined to be there for him through this, no matter how much Magnus tries to resist. He takes steps to lessen the distance between them in slow measured movements. His hands find Magnus’ biceps and slowly skim down the caramel skin of his arms. Magnus doesn’t shy away from the touch. Seeing this as a small victory, Alec takes his hands in his. He massages the back of Magnus’s hands with his thumbs in slow, caressing circles, “I know you do. You should be angry. What Asmodeus took from you. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. It was cruel, vindictive.”

Magnus scoffs, “Oh, it’s not just Asmodeus I’m angry at. No. I’m pretty sure I’m quite angry at you as well.”

Alec’s focus is on their entwined hands, but the words startle him. He looks up at Magnus’ face. There is a fire in his eyes. Even without his magic, Magnus radiates the power of Edom. And Alec feels fear for the first time in Magnus’ presence. 

Not of Magnus. Never Magnus. But of Magnus’ words. Their truth. Alec has feared this from the moment he learned exactly what Magnus had sacrificed for him, for Jace.

Alec can’t disguise the self-loathing and desperation in his voice as he chokes out, “I know. By the angel, I know. And I don’t blame you. I don’t. But I’m going to make it right. I’m going to _fix this_.”

Magnus yanks his hands away and tucks them to his sides, hugging himself. Looking small and defensive, he questions, “And how will you do that, Alec? Hm? How will you get my magic back? Please, please explain. Because I’ve been trying to figure this out for weeks and have come up with nothing. Nothing! So please tell me how you, _a Shadowhunter_ , have figured out the solution to this very warlock problem?!”

Alec swallows down the clawing panic. He can’t lie. He won’t. He whispers, “I-uh, I don’t know yet.”

The sounds of the bustling city bounce around in the distance between them for several moments. The low hum interrupted by loud bursts of car horns and occasional drunken shouts below. Then Magnus’ laugh cuts through it all. And usually melodic sound sends chills across Alec’s skin. 

It's an ominous sound. 

Still chuckling darkly, Magnus stalks toward Alec crowding into his space until Alec has backed up against the balcony’s low wall. Magnus seethes, “Of course you don’t.” He takes a half step back and stands with his arms crossed along his chest as if challenging Alec to say something, to defend himself. 

Alec refuses to rise to the bait. Instead, he blinks against the moisture lining his lashes, his hands tremble at his sides, the brick digs into his back and he waits. He waits for the condemnation he knows is coming. 

“I think it would be best for everyone if you were gone from here.”

“What?” all of the air in Alec’s body escapes with that one word. Magnus wanted him to leave. Magnus wanted him out of the loft. Maybe even out of his life? He gasps out, “Magnus. Please-”

“You have ruined everything, Alec. Everything. What good are you? Your incompetence has continued to ruin everyone’s lives. First Jocelyn and the demon. Jace and the Owl. And now me and my magic. How many more people do you have to hurt? So please. And leave me alone. Leave all of us alone.” 

Magnus narrows his eyes at him, lip snarling slightly, “It’s a burden to look at you.” Magnus punctuates each word and Alec feels the force of each one slamming into him like a physical thing.

But- Magnus is right.

Alec has ruined everything. He took away his friend's mother. He couldn’t save his brother from the Owl. And he allowed his boyfriend to sacrifice everything to clean up _his_ mistakes. 

Incompetent.

A burden.

He remembers their argument weeks ago at the breakfast table. Alec suspected then that Magnus would one day realize Alec wasn’t worth the effort anymore. The day had just come sooner than he expected. And old age wasn’t to blame. No. This was all Alec’s fault.

_I think it would be best for everyone if you were gone from here_.

Oh.

The frantic energy that had been bouncing along his nerves, suddenly settles. A weird flush of calm takes its place. There is a wispy voice in his head confirming what he fears Magnus meant. The same voice reassures him that this is the answer to everyone’s problems. It's the solution Alec has been so desperately searching for. 

It’s so simple. A solution Alec can easily provide. 

Alec’s existence has become a burden to everyone. A weight on their lives.

A weight he can remove.

He doesn’t remember climbing up on the ledge. It wasn’t a conscientious decision. But within a blink, he seems to have found himself there. 

Magnus stands on the balcony watching him coldly. Waiting.

_You have ruined everything, Alec._

Magnus’ words whip around him within the wind that now pulls on his clothes. For a moment, the warm calm in his limbs fades and the trembling returns. 

_I think it would be best for everyone if you were gone from here. Your incompetence. A burden. Ruined everything. A burden. Leave me alone. What good are you?_

The words drive through him, carving their way through his body. Pain radiates from his chest, sharp and cold. Like a knife has been shoved into his gut twisting his insides until nothing in him is whole. The shock of it has him teetering on the ledge. 

_You can fix all their problems_ , the breathy voice seeps across his conscientiousness. _One step back is all it takes._

Alec grabs his head and lets out a sob. The voice incessantly coaxes him to _fix your mistakes, fix your mistakes, atone for them, fix them_ , _fixatonestepback, fixatonestepback…_

The desperation to silent the voice and to fix the messes he’s made has him shuffling his feet, testing their proximity to the edge.

_...fixatonestepback, fixatonestepback, fixatonestepback, fixatonestepback, fixatonestepback, fixatonestepback..._

Alec swears he hears a desolate, familiar voice saying _“Please don’t do this, Alexander.”_ But it’s lost in another wave of voices.

_best if you were gone, a burden, incompetent, leave me alone, ruined everything, burden..._

Alec cries out against the onslaught in his head. He doesn’t want to fall. _He doesn’t._ He looks back up to Magnus standing before him on the balcony needing an anchor, something to keep him tethered to the ground. Magnus meets his pleading eyes.

“Why are you still here?” Magnus growls, cat eyes flashing. 

The words strike him sharp and deadly, spreading frigid agony across his chest and stealing all the air from his body. So it is no surprise that when he looks down, he sees a dark spot blooming across his navy blue shirt. 

Trembling fingers slowly come up to gently touch his chest. When he brings his hand up to eye level, he’s met with blood-stained fingertips.

He- he doesn’t understand. 

He looks past his hand to Magnus who doesn’t seem the least bit concerned that Alec might start to bleed out on his balcony or plunge to the street below.

“Magnus?” Alec asks, voice wobbling with unadulterated fear. 

Magnus only lifts his chin and stares daggers through him. 

_What good are you? You’re a burden. You’re incompetent._

_Fix this. Step back. Atone._

The voice is no longer a quiet suggestion in his mind. Now its loud, angry and demanding. Alec staggers at its force. 

He finds himself stepping back into the open air of New York City. 

As Alec tips over the edge, he can’t prevent the craving for one last look at Magnus. Always Magnus. 

He swears he sees the image of his love on the balcony flicker. And for a moment there is twinning terror reflected in Magnus’ eyes and an outstretched hand. But his vision blinks and Magnus is once again the stony, indifferent Prince of Hell. 

Before Alec can make sense of it, he’s engulfed by the night. An anguished howl of “ _Noooooooo!_ ” follows his plunge down into the sky until the air rushing past him drowns it out.

His descent ends abruptly, slamming him into a black void before any of his senses can react.

==========================

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Um...Sorry? Please keep in mind Clary was thrown off a roof and survived so...does that make you feel better? 
> 
> Also how I got here was this train of thought: "What if Alec hallucinated Magnus under Iris' spell? What would that have looked like? Ooooh, what if that happened after Magnus sacrificed himself for Jace? And what if Alec fell because Magnus didn't have the magic to save him??? Shit...yep, gotta write that."
> 
> Use the hashtag #DaniDabbles if you want to comment, etc.
> 
> Yell with me (or at me, whatever) on Twitter @Dani_Dabbles


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